'Funky Reflections' definitely would define my current state of mind. It also explains why I'm actually using this site to write, instead of allowing it to simply sit continually idle. Right now I'm needing to write and see things in print, but I don't need the flack that I often gain through other venues. Just because I might write a bunch of stuff which seems really off the wall or negative, it doesn't mean I'm backing out on the foundation of my life, or questioning where I've been place. I'm simply working through life and attempting to become stronger and more clarified.
'Turning the negatives into positives' is the motto I've taken on. It's been hard, as you have to look yourself in the mirror and realize how vastly screwed up you are some days. Anyone who thinks it's easy to take an ingrained thought process and begin to change it, might want to think again on that one. It's continual...daily...sometimes many times throughout the day. No one really knows you're doing it and some days it causes you to appear like a freaked out scatterbrain, but I don't know that everything needs to be known by everyone. Yet as I say that, I wonder whether or not I do have a sense of responsibility to some of the people around me, to let them in on what's going on, so that they aren't blindsided or hurt through the ensuing process which is going on.
I'm realizing that I have a lot of stuff hidden behind 'closed doors' in terms of my past and even some of what's up inside right now. Got to thinking on why things get placed behind 'closed doors' and locked permanently or at least for a long period of time. I think I've gotten in this habit, because I've been severely burned in the past and it becomes a huge protection of the heart. I find it easier to share my past with a roomful of strangers, because if they decide to hate me or look at me in a bad light, I can deal with that one, 'cause I didn't know them going in and therefore, their perception won't be much of a loss or a thorn to me. It becomes an entirely different situation when I have to open up to people I know. That seems like such a warped perspective...but I guess being burned more than once will do that to a person. As you slowly go through life and more salve is applied to the wound, I do believe that the healing will begin and the perspective will change.
The question in my head? Does it mean I haven't adequately forgiven people in my past? Heck no! You can forgive, but just because forgiveness occurs, it doesn't mean that the healing will happen overnight, in a few days, months, years. There's no time line on it and by having that said to you, just adds insult to injury and pours a ton of salt in something that's already raw and open.
If this life weren't a continual growth process, then we'd all be perfect and that's definitely not the case now and will never be the case. Part of growth is realizing your imperfections and strengths, and then working to maximize the impact those strengths have on your life and minimize the impact those imperfections will have. The realization that if you truly dig down deep and search, there is good in every situation, no matter how hard, traumatic or negative it might have been. In my mind, that's the key to victim vs. survivor mode. Choosing to live with possibility and positive mindsets rather than the choice to live with a cloud of paralyzing darkness and negativity.