Why?

Sometimes I find myself thinking, "Why?" So many variations come to mind and for so many circumstances. Then I realize how terrible it must sound to you for me to say those things. It's not my right to question, especially since you don't cause everything to happen...especially since there was never some magical promise of a life free from suffering, pain, uncertainty, etc.

Guide me...mold me...please Lord. Break me down and rebuild me where that needs occur. Soften me in places that need softened. Purify and refine me in the places that require it. Give me strength and endurance for the race ahead. Give me a heart that yearns to lift up the people around me. Give me a heart that's burdened for my city, province, country and the world.

Always help my eyes stay focused on their first love...

I'm Losing It...

"You have to lose your mind in order to gain control of it."

Have to say that I don't even know where I got this one from. But, it made some good sense. Seems that after those days when things are at their worst and you wish that you were anywhere except the present, some of the greatest clarity comes.

I guess you could say that it's kinda like 'losing your mind'. Once everything's completely lost, then comes the rebuilding of what should be there. Then comes the regaining of control that somehow went AWOL throughout the rhythms of life.

But the end of the day goal should be, to move towards fewer of those episodes, similar to a bungee jumping life and more towards the constant line, where some semblance of constant becomes the norm.

One-Way?

"Ministry is never a one-way street..."

This quote seems to be at the forefront of my mind, in terms of all aspect of ministry...'cause in my mind, life is a huge ministry, as well as those jobs you do in the church. Thinking about what you do when you realize that things might be on a one-way street and how you deal with it, without seeming selfish and self-absorbed.

Or if you feel unappreciated...taken advantage of...are you simply being selfish for thinking it?

Attitudes

My attitude as I begin a task will affect its outcome more than anything else.

My attitude toward others determines their attitude toward me.

My attidue is the major difference between success and failure.

My attitude can turn my problems into blessings.

My attitude can give me an uncommon perspective on life.

My attitude is my best friend or my worst enemy.

My attitude, not my achievements, will give me happiness.

My attitude will change when I choose to change it.

My attitude needs continual adjustments.

My attitude is contagious.

~Skip Ross

This fell into my hands last winter. It yelled volumes at me as I struggled to find balance and a positive mindset. There's that saying that you're seeing the world through rose coloured glasses...well it seemed for me that I was seeing it through darkened and negative glasses.

For me, my attitude is definitely all the above things. If I come in with a positive attitude, it doesn't matter whether or not I am sick or had the worse day, I find a way to get through things and achieve all that's supposed to be achieved. But then there are those days where I walk into things defeated and essentially fail at what I'm attempting, because I can't see past the defeat in my heart.

As the continued trek towards balance and peacefulness in my life happens, I am becoming more mindful of my mindset and my attitude. I am beginning to check my attitude daily, hourly and sometimes every moment, if feels necessary to do so. The realization is, that this is probably the biggest key to obtaining the balance and peacefulness that I am striving so strongly to obtain in my life.

A Mixed Review

As I sit in numbness,
Numb to the war going on inside of me
Confusion and anxiety overtake my mind
Why do I feel like a blur going through life?

I feel unworthy to hold the positions in life that I have.
I don't recognize myself in the mirror anymore,
I am a skelton of who I was
Not knowing how to get back to the real me.

Through the times of valleys and caves,
You are always by my side.
Never leaving, always listening, ready to re-energize my soul yet again,
My rock, the place I can cry at, be angry at, be complacent at, be happy and excited at.

Funky Reflections

'Funky Reflections' definitely would define my current state of mind. It also explains why I'm actually using this site to write, instead of allowing it to simply sit continually idle. Right now I'm needing to write and see things in print, but I don't need the flack that I often gain through other venues. Just because I might write a bunch of stuff which seems really off the wall or negative, it doesn't mean I'm backing out on the foundation of my life, or questioning where I've been place. I'm simply working through life and attempting to become stronger and more clarified.

'Turning the negatives into positives' is the motto I've taken on. It's been hard, as you have to look yourself in the mirror and realize how vastly screwed up you are some days. Anyone who thinks it's easy to take an ingrained thought process and begin to change it, might want to think again on that one. It's continual...daily...sometimes many times throughout the day. No one really knows you're doing it and some days it causes you to appear like a freaked out scatterbrain, but I don't know that everything needs to be known by everyone. Yet as I say that, I wonder whether or not I do have a sense of responsibility to some of the people around me, to let them in on what's going on, so that they aren't blindsided or hurt through the ensuing process which is going on.

I'm realizing that I have a lot of stuff hidden behind 'closed doors' in terms of my past and even some of what's up inside right now. Got to thinking on why things get placed behind 'closed doors' and locked permanently or at least for a long period of time. I think I've gotten in this habit, because I've been severely burned in the past and it becomes a huge protection of the heart. I find it easier to share my past with a roomful of strangers, because if they decide to hate me or look at me in a bad light, I can deal with that one, 'cause I didn't know them going in and therefore, their perception won't be much of a loss or a thorn to me. It becomes an entirely different situation when I have to open up to people I know. That seems like such a warped perspective...but I guess being burned more than once will do that to a person. As you slowly go through life and more salve is applied to the wound, I do believe that the healing will begin and the perspective will change.

The question in my head? Does it mean I haven't adequately forgiven people in my past? Heck no! You can forgive, but just because forgiveness occurs, it doesn't mean that the healing will happen overnight, in a few days, months, years. There's no time line on it and by having that said to you, just adds insult to injury and pours a ton of salt in something that's already raw and open.

If this life weren't a continual growth process, then we'd all be perfect and that's definitely not the case now and will never be the case. Part of growth is realizing your imperfections and strengths, and then working to maximize the impact those strengths have on your life and minimize the impact those imperfections will have. The realization that if you truly dig down deep and search, there is good in every situation, no matter how hard, traumatic or negative it might have been. In my mind, that's the key to victim vs. survivor mode. Choosing to live with possibility and positive mindsets rather than the choice to live with a cloud of paralyzing darkness and negativity.

Mindsets and Opinions

I've been thinking a lot lately about the mindsets which engulf a person thought process and in turn, form opinions of a vast range.

Had lots of thought on sexual assault and abuse. Yeah, I was a victim of those avenues at an earlier point in my life. But should that change how people perceive me? Should it matter in anyway shape or form? I don't think so, but a lot of times, depending on where the people hearing are coming from, I think it would.

I on the other hand, believe that I'm just a little differently coloured in my rainbow of life. It allows me the opportunity to 'feel' in situations, what those around me might not. It wires me to want to reach out to a vast array of people. It has allowed me to be a survivor who chose to find good in bad situations.

Just a little tidbit running through my head today...